Dazed and confused? Not me. I’m just Lost in the Cheese Aisle.

Monday, October 1, 2012

MEET BRANDO

Brando
Brando, the newest member of Morris William’s household.

No, don’t panic: Hakuna is still alive and well... for now, anyway.  We’re not trying to replace her any time soon, especially while she still is here to defend her turf.  (She’ll have plenty of opportunity to do that while Bernadette, the Mistress of Sarcasm’s kitty, settles in for an extended visit.)

This is Brando, Morris William’s new cat.  He’s a ragdoll, which mean he will grow to an immense size - circa 20 pounds - and yet be as pliant and cuddly as a furry beanbag. Hell, just looking at him, don’tcha want to just reach right through your screen and grab him?

The missus is beside herself with Cat-Envy.  Oy.

JUST WHAT WE NEEDED

Today at the little luncheon following morning services - it’s Sukkot, so we get the full-blown holiday treatment today and tomorrow - I noticed something new.

The usual spread on a day like today would be a pile of bagels and a few assorted flavors of cream cheese spread. Nothing special, in other words. But today there was a veritabobble feast set out: bagels; bagel chips; the normal assortment of cream cheeses; tuna and egg salads; chunks of gefilte fish along with beet horseradish; a nice green salad; sliced tomatoes, cukes, onions, and bell peppers; and various pastries.

Still well within the bounds of normality, mind you... but certainly on the nice side.

But what got my attention was the pastries.

I try to ignore ’em most of the time, and most of the time I’m successful. The luncheons are catered by the Local Bagel and Smoked Fish Emporium, and while the bagels and fish are invariably top-shelf, the other baked goods - rugelach, mandelbrot, brownies, cookies, et alia - are completely forgettable. And that is fine with me. Who needs the temptation?

Today, however, things were different. There were delicate little slices of flaky apple strudel with raisins that melted in the mouth. There was rugelach, buttery and rich, that may have been the best I’ve ever tasted. There were cookies, too - but why screw around with cookies when there were all these other goodies?

I was at a complete loss to explain it, but the rabbi cleared up the mystery when he asked what I thought of the Emporium’s having hired a new baker. Aha!

Almond Horns
Me so Almond Horny!  Fresh-baked almond horns await the eager grasp of happy customers.

That would explain the sudden appearance of almond horns at the Emporium. I had seen a tray of those deadly little fellows last time I breakfasted there, and it had caused me no end of anguish at the time. I dearly loves me an almond horn, with its sweet taste of marzipan and dollop of chocolate glaze... but getting into the habit of eating almond horns is a sure route to Fat-Ass Country.

So now the Emporium has taken their pastry game to a new level. They’ve raised the stakes, as it were, by bringing in the Special (Bakey) Forces.

Oy. Just what we needed.

A KINDA SORTA BIRTHDAY

Lulav and Etrog
The lulav (palm branch with myrtle and willow) and etrog (citron), symbols of the Feast of Tabernacles.

Today is the first day of the Jewish festival of Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles.

No, tabernacles are not those crustaceans that grow on the hulls of old ships.  They are, rather, the little booths that observant Jews - the kind that don’t write blogposts on holidays - construct in their back yards during this festival, there to partake in meals and even, weather permitting, camp out.

Sukkot is also known as z’man simchateinu, the season of our joy.  It makes sense: in the Old Days, the broiling hot summer would be over, the fall harvest would be in, and it would be time to traipse off to Jerusalem for eight days of barbecue.

For me, Sukkot is a bittersweet holiday.  It’s the harbinger of the cooler autumn weather and the changing leaves, and the coda to the challenging moral introspection of the High Holidays.  The eve of the holiday is the yahrzeit of my beloved Uncle Phil, who passed away two years ago.  And the first day of Sukkot is my birthday... at least, according to the Hebrew calendar.

Which means, by Jewish reckoning, I am sixty years old today.  Hoo-hah!

And, since my Hebrew name is Simcha, what better time to be born than on the kickoff day of z’man simchateinu?

(As far as the civil calendar is concerned, I still have three days to go.  Might as well enjoy the last waning moments of fifty-hood while I can, eh?)

Thursday, September 27, 2012

SWIRLY

Esteemed Readers of a certain age will remember a “swirly” as a particularly unpleasant schoolboy prank - the act of holding a victim upside down with his head in the toilet and flushing.

My grandmother’s venerable tube pan.
But the word “swirly” also puts me in mind of certain baked goods. I recall, in particular, a black-and-white marble cake my grandmother used to make in her venerable tube pan, a cake with a distinctive flavor that, even now, I can tease out of the recesses of my Sense-Memory.  Grandma Shirley’s considerable culinary skills, truth be told, were not their strongest in the field of baking, yet this is the one marble cake to which I compare all marble cakes unto this very day... and not one of them quite measures up.

Whether impelled by nostalgia or the artistic impulse, this week I cranked out a couple of swirl-related items: a couple of loaves of cinnamon swirl bread, and a lemon-matcha pound cake.

I had been asked to bring a cake to a break-fast meal hosted by our friends Barry and Malka.  Break-fast, it should be pointed out, is not quite the same as breakfast: The latter is the first meal one takes in the morning, the former the meal one snarfs down at the conclusion of Yom Kippur after having abstained from food or drink for some 27-odd hours.  Breakfast staples like cold cereal, grits, toast, eggs, and (especially!) bacon don’t make an appearance at the break-fast table.  Typically, there will be an array of dairy and fish dishes... nothing too heavy... and, of course, desserts.

But what cake to bring?  Something chocolatey?  Something with layers and icing?  Or something reasonably straightforward?  I settled on the lemon-matcha marble pound cake I had seen in a post at Joy the Baker, one of the Mistress of Sarcasm’s favorite sites.

I’m not sure what sold me on this cake, the mouth-watering photographs in Joy’s post or the idea of a pound cake containing matcha, Japanese powdered green tea.  (I am, after all, a big fan of matcha as a food ingredient, having used it in several recipes.)  Regardless of the why, the what turned out to be very satisfying, a fine coda to a delightful break-fast meal.

Lemon-Matcha Pound Cake slice
A slice of lemon-matcha marble pound cake awaits my eager fork. The only way to improve this stuff is to throw it in the toaster until it’s a golden brown, and then to apply a thick topcoat of sweet butter.

There were more swirlies.  For some perverse reason, I took it into my head to bake up a couple of loaves of cinnamon-swirl bread.  Regrettably enough, these turned out to be delectable... especially after I went and French-toastified one of the loaves.

Cinnamon Swirl Bread
There oughta be a law against bread that tastes this good...

CinnamonSwirlFrenchToast
...and if there were, making French toast out of it would be a hanging offense. Good Gawd.

One of the pleasant features of swirly, marbly cakes and breads is that every slice reveals a slightly different pattern of light and dark... a sort of culinary Rorschach test.  Look - a snake!  A bunny!  A couple of goats, humping!  Plus, you get to eat the slice after you’ve talked to your shrink.

UNEASY LISTENING

Andy Williams
Andy Williams, 1927-2012. Requiescat in pace.

Styx river, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style today
Oh, undertaker, you heart breaker
Where Charon is going, I’m going his way...

(apologies to Johnny Mercer)

Andy Williams, who first appeared on this planet two days before my very own Momma, has passed away at the age of 84 from complications of bladder cancer.  Aficionados of Easy Listening music will be wearing black armbands for the next thirty days.

Andy was a crooner’s crooner with a pile of gold records as tall as he was... but the song he is most closely identified with is “Moon River,” a tune with music by Henry Mancini and lyrics by Johnny Mercer, the latter indelibly connected with Savannah, Georgia.  Audrey Hepburn sang it in Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961), but it was Williams’s smooth baritone that made it a real hit.

If you classify people’s musical tastes by whether they prefer Elvis to the Beatles, or the Beatles to the Rolling Stones, the folks in the Andy Williams camp will be outside your polling parameters.  Andy-Boy was easy listening all the way... although I always wondered what his cover version of the Beatles’ “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey” would’ve sounded like.  Now I guess I’ll never know.

Ave atque vale, good Mr. Williams:

May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
Or better yet, singst thou to them -
’Cause it’s what thou didst best.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

OVER OUR HEADS

All vows, renunciations, bans, oaths, formulas of obligation, pledges, and promises that we vow or promise to ourselves and to God from this Yom Kippur to the next - may it approach us for good - we hereby retract. May they all be undone, repealed, cancelled, voided, annulled, and regarded as neither valid nor binding. Our vows shall not be considered vows; our renunciations shall not be considered renunciations; and our promises shall not be considered promises. - the Kol Nidrei prayer, translation per Machzor Lev Shalem

The most solemn service of the Jewish year takes place at the start of the Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) holiday at sunset... and it begins with the above liturgy: Kol Nidrei.

Kol Nidrei is not so much a prayer as a legal formula, with the congregation standing in for the Beit Din, the panel of judges that, in the Old Days, would render legal decisions on all manner of cases affecting the Jewish community.  It is nothing more or less than the annulment of vows.

On the surface, one could see it as a troubling idea.  If you can renounce all your promises simply by reciting a legal formula, why, then, your sworn word is worthless.  You cannot be trusted.  And this, indeed, is an interpretation given free rein over the centuries by various and sundry Jew-haters.

But Kol Nidrei was never intended, nor was it ever used, as a means to escape from one’s obligations to one’s fellow human beings.  You could not make a promise or incur a debt and then use Kol Nidrei as a way to escape performance or repayment.  Kol Nidrei, rather, is a way for us to walk back a rashly made promise or vow made to ourselves or to God.

How often do we make those sorts of promises?  It’s certainly a popular enough pastime around the turn of the secular year... all of those resolutions that we know, deep in our hearts, that we have little or no intention of keeping.  “I’m going to go to the gym more often.”  “I’m going to lose ten pounds.”  “I’m going to go to shul more than three times a year.”  “I’m going to give more to United Way this year.”  “This year, I’m finally going to get organized.”

In the Scriptures, we are commanded that “...if a man will take a vow to the Lord or will swear an oath to establish a prohibition upon himself, he shall not desecrate his word; according to whatever comes from his mouth shall he do.” (Numbers 30:3)  Promises, in other words, are not something to be taken lightly, and when we break them, we are doing a Bad Thing... even if the only entities affected by our nonperformance are ourselves and God.  Especially if... because pledges or vows made to others can be enforced by society, but only we know what we have promised to ourselves or God.

Who among us has not made a rash promise that we wish we could take back?  In the heat of the moment we make all kinds of stupid vows, never thinking overmuch about the moral consequences of simply pretending we never made them.

That’s where Kol Nidrei comes in.  It is our chance to admit that we got in a little bit over our heads.  Bit off more than we could chew.  Made promises to ourselves that we could not keep, deals we could not carry out.

It is, after all, part of the Human Condition, this need for the Do-Over.

Tuesday evening, as our Hazzan stands before our congregation surrounded by a solemn assemblage of our community’s leaders - each carrying a Torah scroll in its silver adornments and snow-white mantle - to chant those ancient words, I will be thinking of all those promises, vows, and deals. And I will be comforted in knowing that, when we are in over our heads, the Eternal One always offers us a life-preserver.

גמר חתימה טובה - g’mar chatimah tovah - may the next year be a good one for you - signed, sealed, and delivered.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

TRIPLY SWEET

It’s traditional to wish people a שנה טובה ומתוקה (shanah tovah u-metukah) - a good, sweet New Year - during the Jewish High Holiday season. That desire for a sweet year is reflected in the symbolic custom of eating apples dipped in honey... sweetness layered upon sweetness.

This year, we had three - count ’em! - three different varieties of honey at our table.  A honey trifecta, if you will.

Three Honeys
Three different types of honey grace the Table of Elisson, hopefully a foretaste of a triply-sweet year. 

In the covered glass dish toward the rear is delicately perfumed tupelo honey, from the flowers of the white tupelo trees that grow in the Florida panhandle.  Unlike most varieties of honey, tupelo honey does not crystallize.

On the left, in the beehive-shaped dish, is buckwheat honey, a dark honey with a unique assertive flavor... in many ways the polar opposite of tupelo honey.

In the open dish on the right is date honey, AKA silan. Many scholars say that this is the honey referred to in the Bible when it speaks of Israel as “a land flowing with milk and honey,” despite there being evidence of apiaries as old as the tenth century B.C.E.  I’m not an especial fan of dates - to me they look like the bastard offspring of prunes and cockroaches - but their sweet syrup has a distinctive, intriguing honey-like taste.  I picked up a bottle of the stuff at Masada in July, and since then I’ve used it to make challah loaves with a special extra touch of Israel.

The apples?  Granny Smiths and Galas... both of which went perfectly well with the various types of honey.

But the best treat might have been the challah, which, properly buttered, served as an excellent honey conveyance device... and, it is hoped, the harbinger of a bready, heady year.

LES POISSONS D’ANTAN*

Gefilte Fish
SWMBO’s gefilte fish, with its traditional garnish of carrot slices.  Less traditionally, she glazes the fish with tomato sauce or tops it with lemon pepper... delicious either way.

A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting Eli (hizzownself) and listening to him regale one of his buddies with stories of the Old Neighborhood, a discussion that had started with a few nostalgic comments about Gefilte Fish.

There are not many people aside from us Red Sea Pedestrians who will wax nostalgic on the topic of gefilte fish... mainly because, unlike, say, bagels, these little fish dumplings have not, as yet, made it to the American culinary mainstream. I used to say that that was because gefilte fish was something of an acquired taste, but that’s not really true. Properly prepared, it’s really a fine dish... with or without the sinus-clearing blast of chrain - horseradish - that usually accompanies it.  More likely, it’s just too frickin’ ethnic.

It may also be because the only example most people have ever seen are those nasty jars from Manischewitz, crammed with lumpy little fish balls in an unspeakable jelly. Even the most dedicated aspic lovers get a little queasy when confronted with the goop from a gefilte fish jar, never mind that it doesn’t taste nearly as vile as it looks. Sometimes you’ll find the stuff in cans, the main advantage of which is their opacity.  (What you can’t see can’t gross you out.)

But Eli remembers when his mother - my grandmother - would make gefilte fish from scratch, and that was an entirely different kettle of, err... fish.

She would procure carp, whitefish, and/or pike, carefully remove the skin and bones, then chop the flesh into a fine paste. This she would blend with eggs, matzoh meal, onions, and her secret blend of eleven different herbs and spices before stuffing it back into the fish skin to be poached. (“Gefilte” means “stuffed.”)

There were no food processors back then. I seem to remember my grandmother grinding the fish up in a meat grinder, but that could have been something else. Kreplach filling, perhaps. Most of the time she would use a wooden bowl with a curved chopper that fit right into the bowl - what Italian housewives would call a mezzaluna, and in Yiddish a hock-messer.

What my dad recalled in such poignant detail was that Friday afternoon was gefilte fish day. The sound of hock-messers smacking against wooden bowls would reverberate throughout the neighborhood as all of the housewives made the gefilte fish for that evening’s Shabbat dinner.

I remember my grandmother’s gefilte fish. Compared to the boring commercial versions, it was a bit... scary. It looked like a fish, for crying out loud! But as I got older, I learned to appreciate the qualities of the homemade product. It was fresh, not nearly as bland. And its lumpy surface bore the imprint of my grandmother’s hands.

Gefilte fish may go mainstream yet. And when it does, I’ll be ready.


*The Fish of Yesteryear

Sunday, September 16, 2012

HEART OF LION, LEGS OF POODLE

Cone of Shame
Hakuna sports the Cone of Shame - a plastic Elizabethan collar that keeps her from chewing up her IV lines whilst lodging at the Veterinary Hotel. As you can see from her sour expression, she is not happy about it.

Hakuna, alas, is ailing.

She is an elderly kitty, to be sure, having turned seventeen in April - but until recently, she still managed to have her Sprightly Moments despite spending more and more time snoozing about the house.  A few weeks ago at her last annual physical, though, there were some ominous portents.

Her weight and appearance were all normal, her only outward problem being a bad tooth that was going to have to be removed.  But her bloodwork showed elevated BUN (blood urea nitrogen) and creatinine levels, the first signs that her kidneys were beginning to fail.

Bare-Legged Hakuna
Heart of Lion, Legs of Poodle: Home from the vet, Hakuna strikes a familiar leonine pose, apparently unconcerned about her vaguely poodle-like appearance.

The dental work would have to wait until her kidney function improved: first things first.  But she rebelled against the soft Good for Kitty Kidneys food the vet prescribed, showing her displeasure by barfing it up all over the house... and a recheck of her kidney functions showed an alarming decline just eleven days later.

A three-day stay in the Kitty Hospital followed, complete with intravenous fluids, a special low-protein diet that (happily) she tolerated well, and the dreaded Cone of Shame, by the end of which her numbers had improved somewhat... but not nearly enough to allow her to undergo sedation or anesthesia.  Nevertheless, she could come home.

Life is different for her now.  Once every day or two, we jab her with a hypodermic needle and jack her up with 200 cc’s of lactated Ringer’s solution.  We’ve switched her to a low-protein, low-phosphorus diet that supposedly is easier on the kidneys.  And we wait.

In the best of all possible worlds, Hakuna’s kidney function improves after having had some of the load taken off.  She has her bad tooth extracted and goes on about her life.

We really don’t want to think about the alternative.  The subcutaneous fluids are a pain in the ass for us and no fun for her, but she seems to put up with them, howbeit unwillingly.  The true test will be whether she resumes her normal indolent activities, or whether she hides under Elder Daughter’s bed and generally makes herself scarce.

I’ll be happy if only she’ll play with the Elusive Red Laser-Dot.

ROSH O’ TH’ SHANAH

Sure, and it’s fast approaching... Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.

Round Challah

Here are a couple of fresh-from-the-oven challah loaves, baked in the traditional turban-style round loaves that signify the great Wheel of Time, the eternal cyclicality of the years.  Some say that the round shape represents the crown worn by the Almighty, King of the Universe.

Symbolism, schmymbolism.  I say it’s tasty good.  (I suppose we’ll find out for sure this evening.)

May your New Year be Tasty Good as well!

Friday, September 14, 2012

NEW YEAR NARRRHISCHKEIT

[In case you’re curious about the post title, “narrischkeit” is simply good old-fashioned foolishness... something with which I am all too familiar.] 

The Jewish New Year - Rosh Hashanah - begins at sundown this coming Sunday and continues until sundown Tuesday.  To all of my friends and family, whether you’re a fellow Red Sea Pedestrian or not, may the coming year bring you life, health, happiness, and success: shanah tovah u’metukah, a good, sweet year.

Long-time Esteemed Readers of this site know that International Talk Like a Pirate Day is observed on September 19, which this year falls on the day after Rosh Hashanah.  Coincidentally, that day is a minor fast day - the Fast of Gedaliah - on which observant Jews will abstain from food or drink from sunrise to sunset.

If there is any religious significance to the juxtaposition of Talk Like a Pirate Day and Tzom Gedaliah, I would sure love to know what it is... particularly since many people who observe TLAPD are adherents of Pastafarianism, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Please feel free to submit your theological treatises in the Comments.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

ON THE FINE ART OF FOOD PHOTOGRAPHY

My buddy Yabu over at Bad Bad Juju has had it up to here with people who gripe about bloggers who post pictures of food.

I’ll admit that food photos - and the people who take them - can be a tad obnoxious.  Plenty of us have been guilty of snapping pictures of our food and drink, and then slapping all of it up on Facebook, Twitter, or (gasp!) our blogs for all to admire.  It’s almost become a cottage industry - lookee!


(OK, this is a fake ad.  But still...)

But in a way, I understand it.  Those of us who post food pictures might be doing it out of braggadocio - Look what I’m eating!  Look what I cooked! - or justifiable pride... or they might simply want to share good times with their friends.  After all, what’s more fun than eating and drinking? (I mean, something you can post about on a family blog.)

In my case, I like to post photos of food I’ve prepared.  There’s a big “Lookit!  I cooked this myself!” component, but there’s also a desire to show off my photography skills and to share good food... for which reason I often include the recipe, either outright or as a link.

Here are a few of my own food-posts, just to give you a taste:

Three Days of Face-Stuffing

Charcuterie for You ’n’ Me

Crimson Tide

Hills: A 100-Word Fantasy

Barbecue in Birmingham, Yet Again

A Better Babka

And there’s the cat-daddy of food posts - it may not have any plastic Tyrannosaurus Rex models, but it does have a couple of spiffy Navy uniforms:

Captain Jack Will Get You Stuffed Tonight

You can always go to my “Comestibobbles and Potaboobles” post category if that ain’t enough for ya.  Hell, I even put a whole book of food photos together.  (What a fucking egomaniac.)

Look: Food, like flowers, is ephemeral.  Flowers fade and shrivel; food is shit the next day.  But let’s celebrate it while we can... and if you don’t want to look at food pictures, I’m sure there are plenty of other sites out there that will offer up your minimum daily requirements of sad-eyed clowns, cats with cute captions, and bloviating rants on the politics of the day.

Monday, September 10, 2012

A KADDISH FOR MISS P.

“Appoint a teacher for yourself; acquire a friend for yourself…” - Pirkei Avot 1:6

The other day at breakfast, the Missus and I were discussing an item in the news... a Georgia pilot program in which students as young as five would be surveyed on their teachers’ performance. The results of the surveys would be considered as part of the school’s teacher evaluation process, which means – in theory – that a cranky kindergartener could, in some small way, determine whether a teacher gets to keep her job.

These are the sorts of things that convince me that we, as a society, have lost our collective minds.

Anyone who has spent any time in school whatsoever – presumably including the geniuses who designed this pilot program – knows that five-year-olds have no business determining the career paths of the people who exercise authority over them. And middle-schoolers would probably welcome the opportunity to stick it to teachers who rubbed them the wrong way. There are plenty of situations in which the people receiving services can provide fair, disinterested, and well-reasoned evaluations of their service providers, but being a student in a public school is most definitely not one of them. The Missus and I could only shake our heads in disbelief.

It occurred to me that, with respect to the numerous teachers I had while in public school, my opinions of them while in school were considerably different from those I held years later. And it only makes sense. In school, the teacher is the source of both knowledge and discipline: the former to be absorbed, the latter under which one must necessarily chafe. Four or five decades down the road, the teachers that I remember most fondly are the ones who nurtured and developed that thirst for knowledge, even unto awakening an interest in subjects where previously there had been none. And strangely, the teachers who were tough disciplinarians with finely tuned bullshit detectors – the ones who would knock me down a peg or two and help me temper my natural cockiness with welcome humility – are among those that, in retrospect, I loved best.

I must have had a latent soft spot for teachers. After all, I ended up marrying one.

And I had plenty of good ones.  A few, not so good.  Several, better than good.  Of course, my opinions of them generally improved with time.  How much of that is due to the natural human tendency to forget unpleasantness and remember the good, and how much due to my increasing maturity, I cannot say.

One in particular always stood out in my mind: Miss Barbara Polsbie.

I first encountered Miss Polsbie in ninth-grade French class. During my high school career, I would alternate between her and the formidable Mrs. Hamburger, from whom I learned both French and German... but it was always Miss Polsbie’s classes I looked forward to. And this was strange, because Miss Polsbie was no soft touch. As a teacher, she was tough, pushing us to achieve. Tests, quizzes, essays - we had them all, in ever-increasing doses.

And yet, there was a sparkle in her eye, a sense of humor. She would recite a twisted fairy tale, crammed with spoonerisms, that began, “Tonce upon a wine...” and that would have us all rolling in the aisles of the classroom.

One time, I tested her limits of tolerance. Assigned to run the 16mm projector (this was back when, to see a movie, you would thread “film” in an intricate path through a “projector,” which would then show the images on a “screen”), I deliberately set the device to run at 16 fps instead of 24. After the interminable opening credits, the soundtrack started up in all its slow-mo glory, causing the class to roar with laughter. But when Miss P. focused her laser-like gaze on me and said “Étienne!” I knew the jig was up – there was no way this was an inadvertent error, and she knew it. She said nothing more at the time, but I was never asked to run the projector again... and the lousy attitude grade I got dinged with for the marking period was icing on the cake. Message received.

It was Miss Polsbie who took our class to New York City to see the Comédie Française on Broadway in the spring of our senior year. We enjoyed a real French pre-theatre dinner at Les Pyrenées – I had the lapin provençal, rabbit with olives - and we all had a grand old time feeling like real boulevardiers.

Some years after high school, I looked up Miss Polsbie and had a very pleasant visit with her while on a business trip to the New York area. I felt like the Prodigal Son, having gone off to university and thence to work in Sweat City at the Great Corporate Salt Mine. More like equals now and less like student and teacher, we talked about old times... and then went our separate ways.

Over the intervening years, I would think of Miss Polsbie every so often. When the Missus and I honeymooned in Québec and my ability to speak French during those separatist days came in especially handy... when I took my first trip to Europe and dined at La Couronne in Brussels, carrying on reasonably fluent conversations with my colleagues and their spouses en français... when I spent one memorable night in Paris, strolling the Champs-Elysées and speaking not one word of English... and, most recently, while visiting my cousin’s family in Jerusalem, where French and Hebrew were the preferred languages for making oneself understood with his elder daughter.

* * *

Last Thursday I was in the New York area, visiting Eli (hizzownself). As we sat watching the U.S. Open tennis matches, I was idly checking CrackBook... and that’s how I received the news that Miss Polsbie had passed away that morning.

Ahh, technology. The same social media tech that had allowed me to connect with countless friends and acquaintances from the Old Days delivered that nasty little piece of news, filling me with regret. I had never reconnected with Miss Polsbie, and now the opportunity was gone forever. I would never be able to tell her how she had, in her own way, influenced me in so many little ways.

The funeral was to be the next morning, with one Rabbi Ronald Brown officiating. Somehow, the knowledge that Miss Polsbie was Jewish – a fellow Red Sea Pedestrian! – had eluded me all those years. Given that I was already in the New York area and that the service would be held less than fifteen minutes away from The Other Elisson’s place, I resolved to attend... and thus it was that with a borrowed suit and tie (The Other Elisson is a hair taller than me, but we are otherwise of a size these days), I showed up to pay my respects.

At the service, there was a modest crowd of friends and former colleagues, but no family: Barbara was the last of her line. Without family members and without the presence of the requisite quorum of ten Jews – a minyan – there would be no recitation of the Kaddish, the traditional mourner’s doxology. And yet...

True, Miss Polsbie had no children of her own – no biological offspring, anyway. Yet all of us who filled her classroom were, in a way, her children. Subtly or overtly, we who were her students all bear the imprint of her teaching and of her personality. By the grace of the Eternal One, I was able to represent us at her funeral... and thus on me falls the responsibility of reciting Kaddish for the appropriate period of mourning.

Farewell, B’rachah bat Miriam. You were a very special teacher, and you will be remembered.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

THREE DAYS OF FACE-STUFFING

Given that this Friday just past - the opening shot of Labor Day Weekend - was SWMBO’s birthday, you can pretty much assume that the whole of the last three days has been one orgy of Face-Stuffage.

For the Missus’s birthday supper Friday evening, we had a two-entrée extravaganza.  Chicken with roasted red peppers, artichokes, and capers... and if that were not enough protein for you, there was a glazed bison meatloaf.

It’s not a birthday without cake, and this time I decided on a French apple cake.  It’s a recipe from the latest Cook’s Illustrated, one that was test-piloted a few weeks back by none other than Eric, the Tennessee Renaissance Man himself.  And dayum, was it tasty.

French Apple Cake
French apple cake.

A slice of French Apple Cake
Custardy and apple-y on the bottom, cakey on the top - it’s almost like having two cakes in one. Kinda sorta.

Aviation Cocktail
It ain’t a party without a nice Adult Beverage. Pictured: the Aviation Cocktail, bedecked with Luxardo maraschino cherry.

If we had simply stopped eating after Friday evening, dayyenu - that would have been enough for us. But no.  There was more.  There was a wonderful Sunday brunch with our friends Barry and Malka, featuring traditional Israeli dishes like shakshouka - poached eggs in a tomatoey, chile peppery sauce - and all manner of cheeses and smoked fish.

There was even more after that.

Monday, I decided to treat myself to a nice plate of pastrami and eggs, using some of the beef pastrami I had made last week.  Listen: Corned beef hash has its partisans, as do other Breakfast Meats like the Taylor pork roll, bacon, sausage, you name ’em.  But if you have never had pastrami and eggs, you have truly missed out on one of the great breakfast dishes of all time.  And like Levi’s Real Jewish Rye Bread, you don’t need to be a Red Sea Pedestrian to enjoy it.

The peppery, smoky aroma the meat gives off as it browns in the pan conjures up images of the great New York delis.  Katz’s.  Sammy’s Roumanian.  The Second Avenue Deli.  Shmulke Bernstein’s.

Pastrami and Eggs
Pastrami and eggs.

Ham and eggs?  Biscuits and gravy?  Shrimp and grits?  This stuff kicks their asses like a red-headed stepchild... and you can take that to the bank.

Friday, August 31, 2012

BLUE MOON BIRTHDAY

Moon over Alabama

Once in a blue moon
You may find that Special Someone
Once in a Blue Moon
You may find your love

And when you
Find that Special Someone
Take her in your arms
With that Blue Moon above

Well, I found my Special Someone... and today is not only her birthday, it’s the day of this year’s Blue Moon.

A blue moon, according to the latest popular definition, is the second full moon in a calendar month.  It’s a meaningless term if you’re using the Hebrew calendar, mainly because the months all start with the new moon: A full moon can only take place in the middle of the month.  But in the Gregorian calendar, it’s an unusual, yet by no means rare, event.

The last blue moon took place on December 31, 2009 - a New Year’s Eve blue moon.  As for the next one, we’ll have to wait until July 31, 2015. Then, in 2018, we’ll have the truly uncommon phenomenon of two blue moons in a single year.

Ahhh, but a Blue Moon Birthday - now, that’s an even more unusual event.  Before today, the only time a blue moon fell on SWMBO’s birthday was in 1966.  The next time won’t be until 2023.  I certainly hope (b’li ayin hara) we’ll both be around to celebrate it.

But in the meantime, my beloved Missus gets to commemorate yet another Trip Around the Sun.  May it be a good one, my love - and may it bring a year filled with good things without limit!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

THE HUNGRY GAMES: A 100-WORD POLITICAL PROGNOSTICATION

Costco Hot Dog

The Thirty-First Amendment to the Constitution was a real game-changer. But it was necessary.

Political discourse had become so hateful and vitriolic that the Republic itself was in danger. The parties would no longer compromise, would not work together in any way for the greater good. SuperPACs, with their immense corporation-fed coffers, had taken over the election process, now an endless barrage of mudslinging.

Things had to change.

They did. Now, elections were no longer decided by popular vote. Instead, candidates competed in an Election Day hot-dog eating contest.

The winners went to Washington. Losers were next year’s hot dogs.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

AUGUST GUILD EVENT

Sauvignon Blancs

This month’s Guild event, to be held this evening at Goldfish, will feature sauvignon blancs from around the world.

Normally I don’t get all hot and bothered over white wines: I am a red wine kind of guy.  Nevertheless, I am willing to make exceptions when the occasion demands... and the chance to enjoy dinner at Goldfish is just that sort of occasion.  Here da menu:

Speaker’s Wine:
2010 Magnificent Wine Company “Fish House” - Columbia Valley, WA

Mushroom Ravioli With Lemon Butter

First Flight:
2011 Veramonte “Ritual” - Casablanca Valley, Chile*
2011 Man Vintners - Western Cape, South Africa
2011 Whitehaven - Marlborough, New Zealand**

Lemon Pepper Shrimp with Asparagus, Tomato and Spinach Risotto

Second Flight:
2010 Domaine Fournier Sancerre “Les Belles Vignes” - Loire Valley, France*
2010 Vincent Delaporte Sancerre “Chavignol” - Loire Valley, France*
2010 Pascal Jolivet Sancerre - Loire Valley, France**

Pan Roasted Sole with Wild Rice, Fennel, Rainbow Swiss Chard, Vidalia Onions and Basil Beurre Blanc Sauce

Third Flight:
2010 Quivira Dry Creek Valley “Fig Tree” - Sonoma County, CA
2010 Joseph Phelps St. Helena - Napa Valley, Napa, CA*
2010 Merry Edwards - Russian River Valley, Sonoma County, CA

Herb Roasted Chicken with Shiitake Whipped Potatoes, Garlic Green Beans and White Wine Cream Sauce

Dessert:
2010 Marisco Late Harvest “The Ned” - Waihopai River, Marlborough, New Zealand*

Almond Cake with Pear and Apple Compote

I’ll post my comments, critiques, and impressions as an update after all the eatage and drinkage.

Update:
Excellent food... and a few very nice wines.  The Sancerres, especially, were quite tasty, perfectly set off by the pan roasted sole.  But my chief allegiance remains with the Red Wine Crowd, so I will look forward to the next event.

Monday, August 27, 2012

ON THE VIRTUES OF PERIPHERAL VISION



Next time anyone ever tells you that peripheral vision isn’t all that important, send them to Evan Longoria of the Tampa Bay Rays. Better yet, ask the reporter who, by all rights, should have had the upper part of her head taken off by that foul ball...

COCKTAIL DU JOUR

Aviation Cocktail
The Aviation.  (That little dark purple thing in the bottom of the glass is the maraschino cherry.)

Today’s cocktail is the Aviation.  It’s named for its purplish-blue color, imparted by crème de violette... but the name is also appropriate because a couple of these gin-based babies will have you flying high.

The Aviation was created sometime prior to 1916 by one Hugo Ensslin, and today numerous variations exist.  Here’s the one I made:

2 oz gin (many recipes specify Plymouth gin; I used Hendrick’s)
Juice of ½ lemon, freshly squeezed
½ oz Luxardo maraschino liqueur
¼ oz crème de violette

Add ingredients to ice in a cocktail shaker.  Shake well and strain into a cocktail glass.  Garnish with a cherry.  (If you can get your hands on Luxardo maraschino cherries, even better.  They are the Real Thing, small, dark purple, and intensely flavored - a far cry from the fluorescent red horrors we all think of when we hear the words “maraschino cherry.”)

Crème de violette can be hard to find, for which reason many recipes for this cocktail omit it, with no major ill effect.  But if you can score a bottle, it does add an interesting sweet floral note to the drink... and, of course, there’s that characteristic color, the color of a high-altitude sky.  Cheers!

CHARCUTERIE FOR YOU ’N’ ME

Duck Pastrami
Homemade duck-breast pastrami.  (Not quite enough to feed an army.)

I think that I shall never see
A product of charcuterie
That makes me thank my great good luck
More than a nice pastrami (duck).

I’ve been tinkering with various methods of food preservation for years now.  Gravlax - cured salmon, Swedish-style - has been in my repertoire for years, and I have started hot-canning goodies like pickled asparagus, pickled okra, roasted peppers, brandied figs, and cherries in wine.  But until recently, I never messed with preserved meats.

It was Leslie the Omnibabe who inspired me to try my hand at charcuterie - the art of preparing and preserving various meats.  She had told me about a book that was being offered as a free Kindle edition: The Deli Maven’s Cookbook, by David W.Cowles.  It’s not an especially well-written book (it is, after all, self-published), but it does provide a good introduction to the world of delicatessens and appetizing stores (yes, there is a difference) and the foods available therein.  But what got me salivating was the recipes, including several for various kinds of cured and smoked fish and meat.

One of those meats is pastrami, which is what corned beef hopes to be reincarnated as in its next life.  It’s way more peppery and garlicky than corned beef... and way more flavorful, to my way of thinking.  Given the choice between corned beef and pastrami, I’ll take the pastrami every time.  Steamed until tender, sliced thin, and served hot on Jewish-style rye bread with coarse-grained mustard, it makes the best deli sandwich ever.  Shredded and added to scrambled eggs or an omelette, it is a superb breakfast.  And pastrami hash can kick corned beef hash’s ass like a red-headed stepchild.

As good as beef pastrami is, though, duck breast pastrami is even better.  Houston Steve and I had been served a few morsels as part of a charcuterie plate we shared a few months back at Seed, the snazzy new local dining spot, and we were both hooked for life. But Heywood’s Provision Company, the local source for Seed’s duck pastrami, offers it only during the colder months, and so I knew I would need to find a suitable recipe in order to make it myself.

Enter The Deli Maven’s Cookbook.

The book includes a recipe for beef pastrami that works perfectly well for duck as well... and I know this because I have made both versions.

Oh.  My.  Gawd.

Not that I need to be eating a whole lot of cured meat (it does, after all, contain plenty of sodium and nitrites), but when the Pastrami Jones strikes, it’s a lot cheaper to make your own.  To paraphrase Scarlett Oy-Hara, “As Gawd is my witness, I’ll never be hungry for pastrami again!”

Sunday, August 26, 2012

TOMMY: A 100-WORD HORROR STORY

Tommie the Zombie
(Photograph by Morris William.)

When the Zombie Apocalypse struck, no sentient being was immune. Humans were affected the most, but orangutans and other Great Apes, along with dolphins, also suffered the Plague of the Undead. The severity of the infection appeared to be proportional to the intelligence of the victim species.

The strange creatures living on the remote Island of Sodor were affected as well. Strange? Nay, bizarre was a better description... for how else could one characterize intelligent beings of metal, wood, and glass?

Childlike though they were, their intelligence doomed them. Today, Tommy the Zombie Tank Engine roams the rails, howling, “Traaaaaaaains!”

[Inspired by the above photo of an actual Thomas the Tank Engine toy.  Defaced?  Defective?  Or undead?]

Saturday, August 25, 2012

ONE GIANT LEAP

Neil Armstrong
Neil Armstrong (1930-2012), the first man to walk on the Moon. R.I.P. (Photo - vintage 1956 - courtesy Wikipedia.)

Neil Armstrong, the taciturn hero who had the unique distinction of being the first human being to set foot on another heavenly body, died today at the age of 82.

Nobody who witnessed the Apollo 11 landing back in July of 1969 will ever forget the nail-biting excitement of the final descent of the Eagle - the Lunar Module - to the lunar surface.  It was the kind of landing that, all by itself, would have been the stuff of legend: Armstrong had to manually pilot the LM over a boulder-strewn field and find a suitable landing spot, all the while with only seconds worth of fuel remaining.  Oh, and did I mention that all this was on the frickin’ Moon?

Armstrong made it look easy.

When we heard the news, She Who Must Be Obeyed told me that she visualized Ed Harris whenever she heard Armstrong’s name.  And that is hardly strange, despite the fact that Ed Harris never played Armstrong.  (He had the roles of John Glenn and NASA Flight Controller Gene Kranz in The Right Stuff and Apollo 13, respectively.)  Over the years since the moon landing, Armstrong assiduously avoided the media spotlight to the point where his face has become vague in our collective memory.  His accomplishment, however, never has.

Buzz Aldrin on the Moon
To some, the reclusive Armstrong was as faceless as this iconic image suggests. But this is not a picture of Armstrong. Instead, it was he who photographed fellow astronaut Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin on the Moon. (Photograph: NASA)

Neil Armstrong was not a touchy-feely kind of guy.  If he spoke about Apollo 11 at all, his focus would typically be on the technological and engineering aspects of the mission, not on the emotions he must have felt as his foot touched the lunar surface... or as he stood and looked at the distant blue marble of Earth suspended in the black sky above him.  Whatever his feelings were then, he has taken their memory with him into the World to Come.

It is tempting to say that they don’t make heroes like Neil Armstrong any more, but the existence of men like Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger puts the lie to that statement.  There are heroes born every day.  Alas that they no longer have the opportunity to show their courage and skill on such a grand stage.

Ave atque vale, Commander Armstrong.  You took that first step (after such a long schlep!) and showed us that we puny men may dare to dream of conquering the stars.

Friday, August 24, 2012

CHALLAH DU JOUR - WITH A DIFFERENCE

Baking Challah
I see a bread loaf risin’... Thirty minutes in the Hot Box and our challah is good to go.

It’s Friday, which means it’s time yet again to post the latest in a seemingly interminable series of Challah-Related Photographs.

I blame Elder Daughter for this. She is the one who launched me upon the sea of Breadly Endeavor, a voyage that both concerns and pleases me.  Concerns, because the last thing I need is a huge wad of refined carbohydrate in my face... and pleases, because it is the work of my hands in a very literal way, not to mention the fact that it’s frickin’ delicious.

Challah 082412
The finished product. Mmmmmm.

This one is a Challah with a Difference, though.  Normally, I use a small amount of sugar and honey, which gives the loaf a subtle sweetness while making the yeast happy.  While we were at Masada last month, I scored a bottle of silan - date honey.  (When the Bible speaks of the Promised Land as “Eretz zavat chalav udevash,” - land flowing with milk and honey - it is date honey to which it refers.)  And so it is date honey’s unique flavor that perfumes this loaf.

It’s more than just a Butter Conveyance Device™ - it’s a Butter Conveyance Device with a connection to the Land of Israel!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

CYGNUS, BOFUS

Admiralty Swans
A pair of swans, afloat. Photographed by the Mistress of Sarcasm.

Swans mate for life, or so it’s said,
With but one spouse until they’re dead.
To tell of their monogamy,
White feathers signal purity.

But, conversely, the lowly duck
Cares not a whit whom he may fuck.

SNOOZY SNOOZERSON

Snoozy Snoozerson
Hakuna, AKA Snoozy Snoozerson.

Hakuna takes her traditional afternoon nap.  This follows her traditional mid-morning nap, which in turn follows her traditional morning nap.

Later, she will change things up by taking an Evening Snooze.

It’s tough to be a cat.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE

When we were in Israel, we saw plenty of water... and not only the kind you use to dilute your single-barrel bourbon.

There was the Mediterranean Sea. Tel Aviv is a coastal town, and we took advantage of our proximity to the beach.  The sand was hot, the water cool and inviting.  The biggest hazard? Getting smacked in the head by a flying squash ball from the ubiquitous young men playing matkot - beach tennis.

Tel Aviv Sunset HDR
The sun sets over the Mediterranean - the view from our hotel in Tel Aviv.

Following the coastline northward, we admired the sea once again in Caesarea...

Caesarea HDR
The surf at Caesarea.  Pretty, but no surfers in evidence.

...and watched it crash against the shore in Rosh HaNikra, hard by the Lebanese border. The shady grottoes there offered a bit of respite from the summer heat.

Waters of Rosh HaNikra
Look - there’s a dude standing on that rock looking like he’s ready to jump in.  Don’t do it, Rock-Dude!

Color Grotto
One of the grottoes at Rosh HaNikra.

As we headed east, there was the Sea of Galilee - Yam Kinneret - where Jesus is supposed to have walked on water.

Yam Kinneret at Dawn
Yam Kinneret - the Sea of Galilee - at sunrise.

We saw no drunken U. S. Congressmen skinny-dipping there, thank goodness. That might have put us off our feed.

Strangest of all, though, was the Dead Sea, AKA Yam HaMelach - the Salt Sea. Like the Sea of Galilee, the Dead Sea is not a true sea, but rather a largish lake.

Dead Sea
The Dead Sea as seen from Masada.  The mountains in the background are in Jordan.

Due to its extreme salinity (~31%), fish do not live in the Dead Sea... except possibly for the Wild Gravlax.  The beach is encrusted with a thick rind of natural halite - rock salt - and walking upon it without shoes is akin to walking barefoot through a hot parking lot paved with a blend of asphalt and broken beer bottles.

Floating Like a Cork
Fulfilling a decades-old dream, Elisson bobs like a damned cork in the amazingly saline waters.

They warn you before you take a dip in the Dead Sea that you should take off any metal jewelry.  I’m guessing that if your rings or other adornments are of the wrong type of metal, they will either corrode or they’ll act like some sort of weird Voltaic pile and generate enough electricity to cook you like a fly on a bug zapper.  They also tell you that if you have any tiny crevices or imperfections in your skin, the Dead Sea salt will seek them out like a laser-guided pain missile.  Get any of that stuff in your eyes?  Fuhgeddaboudit.

Fortunately, I did not - as they say - Feel the Burn.  The water felt strangely heavy, almost oily, but it buoyed me up as though I were floating on mercury.  The burn came later, after I showered, toweled off, and parked myself on a beach chair.  What did that time-and-temperature sign say, anyway?  Fifty degrees?

Holy Crapoly - that’s One Hundred Twenty Two on the old Fahrenheit scale.  In Hebrew, that’s Cham Meod, which translates loosely as “hotter than a two-dollar pistol.”  I sure could’ve used a G&T...

Monday, August 20, 2012

LIKE TALKING TO A WALL

Talking to the Wall
Elisson gets up close and personal with the Western Wall.  (Photograph ©2012 Gary Feinberg Photography, used by permission.)

There’s an old joke in which a member of an American tour group in Jerusalem sees an elderly man praying by himself in the far northern corner of the Western Wall plaza - the Kotel Ha-Ma’aravi.  Curious, the American waits for the man to finish praying before walking up to ask a few questions.

“How often do you come here to pray?”

The elderly fellow responds, “Oh, I come here every day.  Three times a day, morning, afternoon, and evening, a Jew is supposed to pray.  And thanks be to HaShem, I’ve been able to daven here at the Kotel ever since the Six Day War in 1967.”

“Three times a day?  Every day since June of 1967?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“May I ask what it is you pray for?”

“Well, I say the prayers like I was taught when I was a little boy... the Sh’ma, the Shemoneh Esrei, Aleinu Leshabeakh.  I also pray for the health of my family and friends - the few that are left, that is - and the safety and security of the State of Israel.  I also pray that there should be peace in the world, between us and our Muslim and Christian brothers, peace for all mankind.”

“Why, that’s wonderful!” says the tourist.  “And how is all that working out for you?”

The old guy shrugs his shoulders.  “To tell you the truth, it’s like talking to a wall!”

* * *

It took me nearly sixty years, but last month I finally got to see that selfsame Wall, the one towards which, for nearly two millennia, Jews worldwide have turned their faces while praying.

[I should point out that the Kotel Ha-Ma’aravi, despite the apparent veneration directed towards it, is not itself in any way sacred.  Jews may pray at the Wall; they never pray to the Wall.  And the Wall is not, as news outlets are so fond of saying, “the most sacred site in Judaism.”  That title is reserved for the Temple Mount, which sits above and to the east of the Wall.  But Jews are forbidden to pray there, as the spot where the Temple once stood is occupied by the Dome of the Rock, a Muslim holy site constructed in 689-691 C.E.  The Kotel, a portion of the western retaining wall of the Mount, is as close as we can get.]


Interactive panorama of the Kotel Plaza.

We got our first glimpse of the Kotel Plaza on Friday evening, having arrived in time to see the crowds streaming in prior to sunset and the onset of Shabbat.  It had been a quick cab ride from our hotel to the Jaffa Gate, then through the Armenian and Jewish quarters.  As we passed through stone archways and through narrow, walled streets, pedestrians of all descriptions  walked alongside us.  Many of them were decked out in full ultra-orthodox regalia, wearing traditional long coats (kapote) and with streimels - cylindrical fur hats - atop their heads.  You’ve gotta be seriously religious to wear a fur hat in Jerusalem in the summer.

The plaza was jam-packed, with more people arriving every minute.  As we approached the Wall, She Who Must Be Obeyed, along with the other women in our group, peeled off towards the Women’s Section, worship at the Kotel being sexually segregated.  That left us men to continue onward, pressing our way into the gathering crowds.

I had planned to go all the way to the Wall itself, but our little group stopped about halfway, distracted by hordes of young men - Yeshiva bochers - singing and dancing. Parking myself at one of the many tables set up to accommodate worshipers, I observed the singing and dancing with one eye whilst listening to a black-hatted gentleman next to me as he davened Minchah, the afternoon service, with characteristic fervor.     

There was a small pile of prayerbooks on the table, so I picked one up with the intention of saying my own Minchah prayers... and the book opened, seemingly of its own volition, to Shalom Aleikhem, a beloved Friday night hymn.

     Shalom aleikhem, mal’akhei ha-shareit
     Mal’akhei elyon
     Mimelekh mal’khei ham’lakhim
     Ha-Kadosh Barukh Hu...

     Peace be unto you, ministering angels,
     Messengers of the Most High,
     The King of Kings,
     The Holy One, blessèd be He.

One of the first Hebrew melodies I learned as a youngster was Shalom Aleikhem, and as I stood there with the rosy light of the setting sun reflected upon the ancient stones of the Kotel, I remembered singing that very same hymn to my grandfather - Eli’s father - some fifty years ago. Tears welled up in my eyes.  Could Grandpa Jack ever have imagined that one day I would stand in this place and think of him?

There would be another visit to the Kotel during our trip, a visit during which I would read Torah while standing at Robinson’s Arch, would touch those ancient stones with my own hands, and would follow the wall along its entire length, walking in the cool shade of the tunnels.  I would stop at a little alcove, as close to the actual location of the old temple’s Sanctum Sanctorum as it is physically possible to go, and cram a few kvittlach  - scraps of paper inscribed with prayers - into the crevices between the stones.

But that was to be later.  This was Friday evening - erev Shabbat - and amidst the joyous thousands, it was just me, the Wall, and my grandfather of blessèd memory.

SAUCE FOR THE GOOSED: A 100-WORD FINANCIAL FABLE

Ponzu

He made his fortune with a simple invention, a sauce made from citrus, vinegar, seaweed, dried bonito, mirin, and shoyu. When people discovered that it was a perfect foil not only for sashimi but for tataki and shabu-shabu as well, the bottles flew off the shelves.

Company shares flew off the shelves too, thanks mostly to their tremendous yield. Alas, what the growing hordes of investors did not know is that they were being paid not out of earnings, but from new investors’ contributions. When the pyramid finally collapsed, billions were lost.

Meet Kobayashi Ishihara, inventor of the Ponzu Scheme.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

COCKTAIL DU JOUR

Ginger-Peach Old Fashioned
A ginger-peach Old Fashioned, ready to jump down my eager throat.

Today’s cocktail selection is my very own Ginger-Peach Old Fashioned, combining two flavors that work especially well together: the velvety sweetness of peach with the warm, sharp bite of ginger.

To make this tasty little fellow, you’ll need to do a little advance prep.  Both the peach-infused rye whiskey and the ginger liqueur take about three days... so be sure to plan ahead.

Take a handful of dried peaches - make sure you use peaches that have not been treated with sulfur dioxide - and stick ’em in a clean quart jar.  Add about a fifth of rye whiskey and let the whole mess marinate for about three or four days on the kitchen counter.  Strain and store in a clean bottle.  You can even eat the (hic!) peaches.  Bourbon more to your taste?  All right, then - use bourbon instead.

Ginger-Peach Old Fashioned

2 oz peach-infused rye whiskey
1 oz DIY ginger liqueur (recipe here)
3 dashes Fee Brothers orange bitters

Add ingredients to cocktail shaker with ice.  Stir and strain into chilled cocktail glass.  Garnish with maraschino cherry or orange twist.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

CRIMSON TIDE

Gravlax
Gravlax with capers and lemon zest.  [Click to embiggen, which may cause your mouth to enmoisten.]

Well, more of a salmon-colored tide, really.  (Got your attention, though, all y’all ’Bama fans!)

Almost looks like the billows of a Fishy Ocean lapping at the shore of the serving platter, doesn’t it?  But no... it’s just a mess of home-cured gravlax.

It’s amazing what you can do with fish, salt, sugar, a few spices and herbs, and about 48 hours.  (Plus a couple of shots of Hendrick’s gin.)

Speaking of shots, we enjoyed this with a few wee drams of well chilled Aalborg Akvavit.  Mmmm, mmmm, good!
 

Monday, August 13, 2012

THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS

Today I stopped in at out local Stoopid-Market to pick up a few necessities. As I waited in the queue to check out, the music playing over the PA system caught my attention.

It was Bruce Springsteen singing “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out,” the second track from his landmark 1975 album Born to Run, a song I had heard him perform live in Houston 37 years ago.

In 1975, the very thought of ever hearing Springsteen playing in the local grocery store as you paid for your pickles and flour was so beyond the pale as to be unimaginable. But here we were, not quite four decades later, and... well.

Thirty-seven years is a hell of a long time in Popular Music Land. And I wondered what had been playing 37 years before those late summer days when I would come home from work, stick my vinyl copy of Born to Run on the turntable, and blast “Thunder Road” at wallboard-cracking volume (much to the consternation of my neighbors). Here’s what:

Artie Shaw, “Begin the Beguine”
Bob Hope & Shirley Ross, “Thanks For the Memory”
Seven Dwarfs, “Whistle While You Work”
The Andrews Sisters, “Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen”
Fred Astaire, ”Nice Work If You Can Get It”

All of these big hits from 1938 are perfectly familiar to me, although they’re not tunes I am liable to hum at random as I potter around the house on any given day.  But classics though they may be, (some of them, anyway), they’re still Old People’s Music.  They belong to a previous generation.

In 1975, Artie Shaw, the Andrews Sisters, Fred Astaire, and Bob Hope were no longer lobbing tunes up onto the charts (unless you count Bette Midler’s 1973 cover of “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy”).  Despite their still being well known components of American popular culture, they were nevertheless relics of a bygone age, essentially defunct from a musical standpoint.

And yet here it is, the year 2012 - and Springsteen is still at it.  Wrecking Ball, his latest album, charted at Number 1 in the United States, the tenth of his albums to do so.  That ties him with Elvis in terms of top-charting albums, placing him behind only the Beatles and Jay-Z.

AARP Bruce
A sign of the times: Bruce Springsteen graces the cover of AARP Magazine, Sep/Oct 2009.  

Longevity-wise, does the difference between Springsteen and all those hitmakers of the late 1930’s arise out of the sea change in popular culture that took place in the mid- to late-1960’s?  Or is it the tenacious grip with which we Baby Boomers have latched on to the touchstones of our youth?  I suspect it is a combination of both.

Now - who the fuck is Jay-Z?

SEEN ON ROSWELL ROAD

COM4TBL

If that’s what you’re driving, I suppose you are.

Friday, August 10, 2012

A REVERSAL OF STEREOTYPE

This morning, as we gathered at the Local Bagel and Smoked Fish Emporium for our usual post-minyan breakfast, an Asian family - mother, father, two young kids - came in and sat down.

Being the outgoing sort, I went over to introduce myself... and, as I espied the platters of smoked fish and bagels on their table, I couldn’t help but ask: “Do you eat this sort of stuff often?”

The father replied, “Oh, yes. We go out for Jewish food every week.  Only one problem, though...”

I could see it coming.  It was all I could do to avoid the Eye-Roll.

“A week later, you’re hungry again.”

[OK, part of this story is true.  Guess which part.]

Thursday, August 9, 2012

THE EVIL TWIN

Attendees at the annual Hysterics at Eric’s - that legendary blogmeet cum birthday party - may be familiar with a breakfasty treat She Who Must Be Obeyed has prepared on more than one occasion.

I speak of the Apricot Kugel, a confection concocted of egg noodles, butter, sugar, eggs, sour cream, cream cheese, cottage cheese, apricots, and 11 secret herbs and spices.  It’s more than just breakfast... it’s a monster Calorie-Bomb of overwhelming deliciousness, a single portion of which provides 1247% of your minimum daily requirement of Fat-Ass-But-Yummy.

A kugel is nothing more and nothing less than a pudding - specifically, in this instance, a noodle pudding (lokshen kugel, in Yiddish).  But this one is so deadly, so massive, so delightfully dense, that it has its own gravitational field. Yow!

When I wrote about SWMBO’s apricot kugel back in the fall of 2008, I speculated on the advisability of tinkering with the recipe in a sort of Alternative Universe sort of way...
“Perverse as I am, I can’t help but imagine a Bizarro World version of this delicious dish, a version made with prune jam (AKA lekvar) and pitted prunes in lieu of the apricot preserves and dried apricots. SWMBO is both horrified and repulsed by this idea...but what do you think? Does a Prune Kugel sound appetizing? Or would it make you run for the hills? Or toilet?”
Well, today I had to crank out a couple of kugels, and that presented me with the opportunity I had been waiting for.

Here’s the Apricot Kugel, fresh out of the oven...

Kugel-Apricot

...and here’s its Evil Twin.  Presenting, for possibly the first time ever, the Prune Kugel!

Kugel-Prune

OK, I will admit, part of the reason I did this was for the laughs - for the sheer audacious weirdness of it.  Face it: Prunes are kinda funny, which is why the dried fruit boys are trying so desperately to rebrand prunes as “dried plums.”  Well, you’re not fooling anybody.  A dried plum is still a fucking prune.

Nevertheless, prunes do get a bad rap, most of it undeserved.  Possibly it’s their grim blackish-purple coloration (“Mmmm, bruisefruit!”), possibly it’s their legendary laxative effect.  As to this latter issue, it has been blown out (you should excuse the expression) of all proportion.  I will tell you that unless you’re a serious prunehound, you’re taking a bigger risk of crapping your pants by chewing more than one stick of xylitol-sweetened gum or having a handful of sugar-free chocolate-coated cherries.

Think about it, though.  Prunes are indeed dried plums, and plums - like apricots - are stone fruit, both of which (incidentally) play well together in other Jewish dishes such as tzimmes.  They are nothing less than the dusky cousins to the apricot, peach, and nectarine... and so why not give them their well-deserved place in the sun?  Or at least as a kugel ingredient.

I’m looking forward to that first bite - almost as much as I’m looking forward to seeing SWMBO’s horrified face when she sets eyes on the damned thing.

Monday, August 6, 2012

ASHEVILLE JOURNAL

S&W Building
A fine example of Art Deco architecture in downtown Asheville.

It was the last weekend before She Who Must Be Obeyed had to be back at the Educational Salt Mine, so we ran off to Asheville, North Carolina for a long weekend with our friends Gary, JoAnn, Houston Steve, and Debby.

We’ve been to Asheville several times before, but this was different, being a combination Boys’ Golf Trip and Girls’ Shopping Expedition.  So it was that on Friday morning, Gary, Houston Steve, and I traipsed off to Black Mountain, there to enjoy the best $27 round of golf money could buy.  Sure, the course was not much more than a glorified cow pasture... but at least it was set amongst the green, mountainous landscape of western North Carolina, where you could admire the scenery if not our miserable play.

Hole 17
The infamous seventeenth hole at Black Mountain, an eyeball-popping 747-yard (!) par 6.

The course did have one outstanding feature: a par 6 hole measuring 747 yards from the tips, at one time the longest golf hole in the United States.  It has since fallen to number five on the list, but I’d nominate it for the post of the ugliest par 6 on the planet.  Yeef.

Aside from the scenery, Asheville has several other outstanding features.  It’s a mecca for artists, with everything ranging from the lowliest big-eyed-clown street art to amazing high-end creations in paint, ceramics, and glass.  Throw a rock at random and you’re likely to hit an art gallery... and in the River Arts District you can probably clock a few patrons at the same time.  We happened to be there on the weekend when the Biltmore Village Art and Craft Fair was being held, so that gave us an opportunity to see even more of the stuff the local artisans and craftists were turning out.

Chicken Alley
Wall art at (where else?) Chicken Alley.  No actual chickens were harmed in the making of this mural... we think.

It’s also home to Tops for Shoes, among the biggest and most beloved discount shoe outlets on the eastern seaboard.  Nothing - nothing! - gets the ladies quite as excited as the prospect of spending a few hours shopping for shoes and handbags at Tops.  No matter how many of the fucking things they already own, there’s always the desire for more... but I guess I can’t complain, since I’m the same way about Bottles of Strong Drink.

In addition to being an Artists’ Colony, Asheville hosts an ever-growing number of eateries, many of which have become particular favorites.  We hit The Market Place, Carmel’s, and Kubo’s the three nights we were there... and then we compounded the evil by going to the French Broad Chocolate Lounge for afters Saturday night.

Pot de Crême
Chocolate Pot de Crême at the French Broad Chocolate Lounge.  I would be ashamed of myself if I were capable of feeling shame.

All I will say about the Chocolate Lounge is that they make a stupendous Coconut Macaroon Brownie... and that it is actually possible to suffer from chocolate overload.  Oy.

Alas, it was all too soon that it was time for us to pack up our luggage, golf clubs, and other purchases - wait, where the hell did all these shoes come from? - and head back home to Georgia.  But not before engaging in a bit of Signature Narrischkeit...

Colandrical Elisson
Elisson does what he does best... finds a colander and sticks his head in it, the better to appear ridiculous. (Photo credit: Houston Steve)

Yes, it’s a colander.  Yes, it’s firmly attached to a vertical wall.  What of it?

Friday, August 3, 2012

THE UNFORTUNATE GONFF FROM BANFF

One time while in Banff
I encountered a gonff
Who stole all my money away.

And I said, “Thanks a bunch!
I can’t pay for my lunch -
O, leave me a sawbuck, I pray!”

He replied, “Ain’t you bold
To demand back your gold!
It conflicts with the Mendicant’s Way!”

Then I smashed in his head.
Satisfied he was dead,
I had but one more thing to say:

Criminals - thieves ’n’ such
Shouldn’t talk all that much.
Conversation with crime doesn’t pay!