Dazed and confused? Not me. I’m just Lost in the Cheese Aisle.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

SCREW-VIA

I found a new love, a natural true love
That comes from a little green leaf.
Easy is as easy does -
It gives me such a lovely buzz,
And help me forget all my grief.
Cannabis sativa, I had no idee-va,
I want to smoke you by the sheaf.


When was the last time you got excited about a little green leaf? Too bad stevia ain’t it.

Those Truvia ads that appear on the Food Network every thirty-seven seconds manage to strike the perfect balance between catchy and intensely annoying. The cutesy jingle has a sort of new-wave alt-rock tune that sticks in the head like a mouthful of bad peanut butter clings to the palate... but what bugs me the most is that I loathe Truvia.

Finally... an artificial sweetener that manages to make me want to avoid anything sweet. Hey, if I wanted a vile aftertaste, I’d chew on a satchel of saccharin. This stuff is far nastier.

I love the way Truvia and other stevia extracts have captured the hearts and minds of the granola eaters. “It’s natural!” they say. “It‘s made from a plant!” Yep: It’s a natural artificial sweetener. Oxymoron much?

Well, shit is natural, too. For that matter, so is tobacco... and tobacco is far less processed than the stevia plant is in the course of grinding out Truvia. An oil refinery does less work on a barrel of crude than Cargill does to that little green leaf.

Feh, says I.

3 comments:

Gradual Dazzle said...

I'd like for you to produce a video of you singing that song, wearing one of your delightful head ornaments. It would SO make my year. :D

Kevin Kim said...

The video would need to feature neurotic jump-cutting, closeups of mad eyes, hairy nostrils, and horribly discolored teeth, as well as a background of flames with vaguely humanoid figures writhing in the distance. Basically, something filmed by the Joker. If he were French. And on smack.

I agree that the colander should be there. In the vid, it should be straining something.

Maybe souls.

Teresa said...

There is a reason I mute the commercials on television. Feh indeed.