Dazed and confused? Not me. I’m just Lost in the Cheese Aisle.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016


A few days ago, I saw something truly horrific in the local Food Emporium... loathsome enough for me to prop it up and photograph it. Feast your eyes:

Pumpkin Spice Latte Peeps. Yeef.

It is telling that I found these on the “We Are Desperately Trying To Get Rid Of These Items And So We Are Selling Them At A Steep Discount” table. But some things are so nasty, they have negative value: You can’t pay people to take them. These is they.

Peeps - the basic yellow, blue, or pink kind - are inconsequential enough. Marshmallows shaped to look like little birdies. I suppose that if you love either (1) marshmallows, or (2) little birdies, they are inoffensive. And you can amuse yourself with them if you are of a perverse frame of mind. Float one in your hot chocolate and imagine it peeping in horror as it realizes that its hindquarters are dissolving! Pop a flock of ’em in your microwave and watch ’em expand!

But now we have Peeps in various flavors, the classic shelf-space grab. Candy corn flavor. Red velvet cake flavor. And ((shiver)) pumpkin spice latte flavor. Feh. Even the peeps themselves hate it: Look at the disgusted expression on the little guy in the center, like an old man who has been given a bad diagnosis.

What happens when Peeps grow up.
Finding those Peeps made me wonder: What other confections are out there that inspire fear and loathing? For me, it’s things like Jujubes, Necco Wafers, and Circus Peanuts. “Heritage” treats - the kind that you find at the Crapper Cracker Barrel - are a mixed lot. The same Nik-L-Nips that I loved as a kid are vile to me now, perhaps because I’ve outgrown my taste for little wax bottles containing a few drops of tooth-shatteringly sweet fruit-flavored fluid.

Hard candies of any kind are, to me, difficult to love. Root beer barrels? Fuck’m. On the other hand, anything with chocolate - real chocolate, not that palm kernel oil shit - is eminently desirable.

What say you? What candies did you despise when you were a kid? And what candies do you hate today?


Kevin Kim said...

Wow. These are some misbegotten Peeps. At a guess, these were the mournful beings that, ever since creation, have lived their lives hidden away from the loving sight of the Divine One, eking out their marginal existences in the dark corners of the earth—unseen, unheard, unloved. They deserve our pity.

El Capitan said...

Necco wafers are just Valentine hearts smooshed into a disc. I can take or leave the fruity ones, but the ChocoNeccos hold an odd appeal. Kinda like guzzling a Yoo-Hoo. You know it ain't great, but sometimes the urge creeps up on you.

Used to love the tube candies, SweetTarts, Spree, Smarties. Won't touch 'em now.

Don't do much candy these days. Blood sugar needs to be kept from heading up into the low 100's.

Still, given the opportunity, I'll crush a Mounds bar, and a box of chocolate-covered cherry cordials is in grave peril if I'm around...

Elisson said...

I used to like SweeTarts... until I cracked a tooth on one of 'em.