Dazed and confused? Not me. I’m just Lost in the Cheese Aisle.

Thursday, January 23, 2014


Let us be thankful for everyday miracles... and the Unseen Hand that helps us get through every day.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure!

Me: Promise You won’t get mad... or wax wroth, or whatever it is that You do?

God: I promise.

Me: Why did You let so much rotten stuff happen to me today?

God: What do you mean?

Me: Well, first off, I woke up late.

God: Yes...

Me: And then, my car took forever to start.

God: Okay...

Me: At lunch they screwed up my sandwich - got the order completely wrong and, on top of that, I had to wait while they made me a new sandwich.

God: Hmmm...

Me: On the way home, my cellphone went dead just as I picked up an important call.

God: All right...

Me: To top it all off, when I got home I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax... but the darn thing wouldn't work! Nothing went right today! Why did You do all that to me?

God: Well, let’s see. This morning before you got up, the Angel of Death was at your bedside and I had to send one of My angels to battle him for your life. But I let you sleep through all that... it would’ve just gotten you upset.

Me (humbled): Oh.

God: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your way to work. He probably would have hit you if you had been on the road.

Me (ashamed): Oh.

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn’t want you to catch his stomach virus - I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work and spend the next three days throwing up.

Me (embarrassed): Okay.

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to lie to your boss about what you said on that call. I’m not a big fan of giving false witness, so I didn’t even let you talk to him. Saved you some trouble at the office.

Me (softly): I see, Lord.

God: Oh, and that foot massager? It had a short circuit that was going to blow the GFI... but your GFI was defective, so you would’ve been electrocuted instead.

Me (horrified): Really? I’m so sorry I doubted You, Lord...

God: Naw, not really. That last one? I was just fucking with you. Sometimes I like to mess with people just to see ’em get pissed off. So sue Me.

[Lifted - sorta - from Facebook.]

No comments: