FETCH ME MY PITH HELMET AND BANJOLELE

Professor Elemental. And we do mean “mental.”

I love the demented shit I discover on the Inter-Webby-Net. How else would I ever have acquainted myself with Chap Hop, a musical genre that consists of hip-hop-style rhymes as filtered through the lens of the British upper crust?

Professor Elemental is a man after my own heart... pith helmet and all.

[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora pith helmet to LeeAnn for connecting me to both Professor Elemental and Mr. B, The Gentleman Rhymer. You can’t make this stuff up!]

“Fighting Trousers” - Professor Elemental
(video here)

Ah, Geoffrey!
What’s that you have in your hand, boy?
Pass it over.
A telegram? Oh, dear.
It seems someone has been “biting me..?”
Fetch me my trousers at once!
No, not those. Those are my time travel trousers.
Those are my tea trousers…
That’s it! Those ones. My fighting trousers!

Ah, yeah!

Dear Sir,
Regarding your recent foray
Into the rap business and the scene you portray,
See, I don’t normally approve of war games,
But, “He’s biting you” is what they all say.
And by Harry, they might be right!
This is hip hop, not an Elvis night.
Shelve this Professor impersonation,
Let it end now. It’s impertinent waiting!
You seem a reasonable chap;
What you need to do is rap and not parody chap hop,
’Cause that’s not proper, just not cricket!
Put away your ukulele, or I’ll tell you where to stick it!

I! - Don’t like your tweed, sir!
Will! - Teach you the professor’s ready!
Not! - Let’s see who strikes the loudest!
Lose! - Put on my fighting trousers!

I’ve got super producers, and fans that play me.
You’ve a granddad’s mustache and a ukulele.
Don’t look around, sir. I’m speaking to you!
Roll up your shirt sleeves. Queensbury rules.
Never test professors with the cleverest wits.
Let’s settle this like gentlemen: Armed with heavy sticks,
On a rotating plate, with spikes like Flash Gordon.
And you’re Peter Duncan, I gave you fair warning!
When this George Formby clone is performing
Audiences go home before he begins talking.
A new career might be more rewarding.
I’m a right Brighton peer; you’re rap’s Piers Morgan!

I! - Don’t like your tweed, sir!
Will! - Teach you the professor’s ready!
Not! - Let’s see who strikes the loudest!
Lose! - Put on my fighting trousers!

I’m not seeing you at ciphers or workshops with kids or gigs.
Dear Sir, you’re not worthy of this!
Sold out to Coca-Cola,
Used for a trend,
And that means you’re banned
From using a pen.
Hope it’s safe to assume you won’t do it again,
Set foot on my stage and get ruined again.
Be out, Mr. B, I set the egg timer.
There’s not room in town for two gentleman rhymers.
Leave town by the end of this instrumental!
Yours, et cetera, et cetera, sincerely, and so forth,
Professor Elemental.

I! - Don’t like your tweed, sir!
Will! - Teach you the professor’s ready!
Not! - Let’s see who strikes the loudest!
Lose! - Put on my fighting trousers!

Uhh!
Sorry. I’m sorry, Geoffrey, but it gets my goat. It gets my dander right up!
Bloody told ’im...
No, no jazz solo. This is supposed to be a diss song!
Geoffrey, get off the drums!
*Sigh*