Dazed and confused? Not me. I’m just Lost in the Cheese Aisle.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Most people - at least, those who are not Outdoorsy Types - associate the term “Moose Tracks” with ice cream. The typical version consists of vanilla ice cream with some sort of chocolate fudge and peanuts; in one locally popular variant, peanut butter cups are used to supply the peanut content.

But I don’t eat Moose Tracks ice cream... and I’ve never been on a moose hunt. When I use the term “Moose Tracks,” be sure that it is for a far more earthy purpose.

[The remainder of this post is not for readers with Delicate Sensibilities. You have been warned... but, then again, if you read this site on a regular basis, you most likely do not suffer from that condition.]

Yesterday, She Who Must Be Obeyed commented that there were, ahhhh... telltale marks in one of the upstairs toilet bowls. [Actually, the term she used was “shit stains” - far be it from the Missus to beat around the bush.] Her tone was mildly accusatory, although she had not come right out and charged me with the Cocky-Crime.

She might as well have. It’s only the two of us living here, after all.

And I’ll confess... once in a while, I’ll leave a bit of evidence. The deadly combination of low-flow toilet facilities and the occasional Tar Baby sometimes will Jackson Pollock the old porcelain throne’s inner surfaces... and if there’s no toilet brush handy...

...well, suffice it to say that I was Guilty As (kinda sorta) Charged.

I immediately thought of a Snappy Retort, but thought better of actually saying it aloud: “Shit stain in the toilet? That’s nothing to get worked up about. What about the ones in the sink?”

(There are some matters the Missus does not joke about... and the last thing I want to do is put ideas in her head.)

And then it occurred to me: We need a euphemism for shit stains - the kind that you might find in a freshly used commode. “Skid mark” is fine, but that connotes something you might find in a pair of Tighty-Whities. No, some other expression is called for...

Moose Tracks!

Let’s use it in a sentence, shall we?

“Honey, are those your Moose Tracks in Elder Daughter’s bathroom? Why the hell don’t you grab a brush and clean ’em out, fercryinoutloud?”

(As for Moose Tracks ice cream, I’m even less inclined to eat it now...)


Anonymous said...

ALSO not to be confused with "Moose Knuckle"...a completely different phenomenon.

- Morris William

Anonymous said...

I don't have any suggestions for what to call the caca contrails, but I made my missus laugh when I referred to an unflushable floater as a "refusenik."

treppenwitz said...

Reminds me of the old joke about the redneck who checks into a Motel in rural West Virginia.

Upon getting to his room he finds that the faucet is dripping. So he calls the front desk and says, "Hey, this is Bubbah in Room 211... I got a leak in my sink".

To which the desk clerk replies, "Most people use the toilet, but what the heck... it's your room. Go for it!"

treppenwitz said...

Oh, almost forgot. I don't have a better suggestion for what you are calling 'Moose Tracks'. But I do have a better come-back for SWMBO:

"Look honey... sometimes it's nothin but net... and sometimes it's a layup off the backboard. Maybe you have better control when taking the shot... but I don't know until the final buzzer what kind of a shot it was." :-)

Eunoia said...

FWIW, moose droppings are small round balls about the same diameter as a 12 gauge shotgun cartridge.

Anonymous said...

Around here those unpleasant little brown traces are referred to as "skid marks". When the kids were small they were a source of interminable mirth.

Gerry N.

og said...

Bacon strips. Whopper witness marks. Dots. Coontrails. Tootsie Pop Drops. Freeze Dried Farts. Instant Coffee. Dumper Dregs. Turdpoles.

Amateurs. Sheesh.

Elisson said...

I knew I could (ahem) flush out a comment from Og with this post.