Dazed and confused? Not me. I’m just Lost in the Cheese Aisle.

Friday, August 8, 2014


One of the best things about watching Seinfeld back in the 1990’s - aside from the fact that Jerry grew up in my hometown and would throw in the occasional local reference - was the high probability that you would hear a catchphrase in the making. Nobody before or since could coin popular verbiage like Jerry Seinfeld and his gifted team of writers.

Even today, two decades later, those Seinfeldian catchphrases linger in the American pop culture consciousness:

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“These pretzels are making me thirsty!”

“Can you spare a square?”

“There was shrinkage!”

“No soup for you!”

[I’m sure you have your favorites. Feel free to stick ’em in the Comments.]

Well, art - and catchphrases - are where you find them, and I found one that would have done Seinfeld proud. Well, maybe not, but I will let you adjudge that for yourself.

A few weeks ago, I was at a local get-together, where I heard a young lady relate a story about having locked her Vacation Essentials - a week’s supply of cash and weed - in her hotel room’s electronic safe.

You’ve seen those little safes, haven’t you, lurking in the closet of your (somewhat upscale) hotel room? You stick your valuables in ’em, close the door, punch in a four-digit code, and the door locks. When you want to retrieve your personal effects, you enter the same four-digit code to unlock the door, hoping all the while that the hotel’s corrupt security staff hasn’t absconded with Aunt Minnie’s pearl necklace. The young lady who was relating this story had stowed her stash of hash and cash in her room’s little safe, but when it came time to open up the box, the box did not want to cooperate.

Not having any viable alternatives, Little Miss Cannabis called security, who promptly sent someone up to assist. Turns out the problem was simple: The little battery that powers the safe’s locking mechanism had died. A replacement was installed, the code was entered, and the door began to swing open...

...when the young lady realized that she didn’t want the security guy to see the contents of the safe, for reasons that should be obvious to the casual observer. So, in a triumph of Quick-Witted Thinking, she gave him a perfect reason to avert his eyes:

“Don’t look in there! It’s full of dildoes!

Not only was she able to recover her supply of weed ’n’ wampum, Little Miss Cannabis had inadvertently birthed the best non-Seinfeld Seinfeldian catchphrase I’ve ever heard. There’s gotta be at least ten thousand creative uses for that sentence, a phrase that rolls so trippingly over the lips...

“Sir, is everything OK with your meal?” “It’s full of dildoes!”

“Would you care to order dessert?” “It’s full of dildoes!”

“How does your mom like it at the assisted living center?” “It’s full of dildoes!”

Go ahead... try coming up with your own!


El Capitan said...

A long while back, Feisty Christina posted a pic on her blog of one of her kids surrounded by a herd of Angus cattle. (Angii?)

The phrase "Wee One was mobbed by cows" stuck in my noodle, and to this day, I make sure that I squeeze the term "mobbed by cows" into any comment or email I send her way.

It also turned up in some short fiction...

Kevin Kim said...

Christ, this post was just full of dildos.

Moist dildos.

Anonymous said...

Making his way back to the hotel in unfamiliar territory the driver knew he had to make a right turn. As most astute drivers normally do, he warned other drivers of his pending turn with the turn signal and reducing his speed. As he passed street after street, he finally declared, "Oh lord, there is an abundance of right turns!"